Life just goes on, no matter what

So next week is the 3rd anniversary  of my dad passing………………………

In some ways it’s like nothing has changed in that time, like I’m still stuck in the same place as i was 3 years ago, and yet in other ways everything has changed…

Sometimes I still think things like I’ll tell dad that, and then reality hits and I remember he’s not here,

I sometimes get this strange feeling that he’s at home, like I’ll be at work and in my head he’s sat at home watching the news like he always did, it hard to explain but like a sense of he is still at home waiting for us to get back, only thing is we don’t live in that house anymore and it’s like all my last memories are trapped in there

I wish so much we could have stayed there but the bloke that owned it wanted us out as we could not afford the full rent and the put it on the market of £300 a month more, it hard thinking the last place my dad was happy and settled after all they had been through

The place where he died

The place where me and my little sister give him CPR on that life changing nigh

The place that meant home to us and some much more was nothing more than just money to someone else

I looked at the property online only to see every carpet had been taken up, walls painted and my family how stripped back like we had never been there

That was a year ago now!

And the world is still turning and life is still going on

but it has made me have one main goal that I want to achieve, to be able to own my own house, I don’t know how but I do know that one day this is what I will have something that is my own

Renting for the renter can be shit!

The landlord can just decide they one want to let the house any more

That they want to put the rent up

They get to tell you how to live (to an extent)

You could have lived somewhere for 5 years or more and then lose what is your family home just like that!

Don’t get me wrong in those 5 years the land load was fantastic but we still had to lose somewhere that meant so much to us as a family with very little choice and that still hurts

So………

The Diet……….

Well today has not been the best do so far, although better than many I have had of late, I was doing so well today, lots of water and my shakes but then I spotted some biscuits

Where had they come from???????

Sat in the corner!!!!

Hell before I new it 6 had not even touched the sides

Someone needs to tape my mouth shut so I can only eat my shakes

I want to see my body in the flesh at 10ST

This is not the way to do it

So until the next time!!!

The Yo-Yo goes on

So hello everyone

Its been some time since i last posted

So…………….what have i been up to?

well I am a little lighter, I’m now 22st but that’s not quite where I should be

I have been doing this diet for what seems like forever, but I have not given up, why because I know I can do it but knowing and believing it are 2 different things

I know I can do this because I have done it and got down to just under 17st before, but there is a little but of me that does not believe I can do it, a bit of me that keeps holding back, that just keeps stopping me. I don’t have the same focus that some people have to get in to a wedding dress, pre baby weight, slim back to a size I once was, I’m not slimming to find a bloke or any of those things. So how do I focus when there seems to be no GOAL

Well what about all the other thing’s I could have? the things I don’t do because of my weight, the places I don’t go?

So maybe I do have a focus, to be able to live my life to the full, to make plans for the future that I was to see through, to be the best and happiest I can truly be and for me that means to be healthy so I can do all these things

So that’s all for tonight as I’m feeling  little sleepy and its getting late

Night Night all and ill be back soon

Time to rise from my ashes!

What makes a good day?

It’s funny how one day everything seems amazing and the focus is there 100%

Fast forward 24hr and I’m there stuffing my face no longer giving a shit about the diet

So why are the 2 days so different?

What changes so much?

Well it can be anything from I feel like I can’t do it anymore to I just want one of those so one won’t hurt will it?

All I need to do is keep my focus as to what is really important and that the end will get closer if I do the diet

However if I keep messing up the end goal will stay as far away or further if I put weight on

Here’s to a fantastic match for everything one

Craving broccoli

Yeah right who ever wants to stuff there face with broccoli when they feel crap?

It’s not how it works is it?

Never have I sat watching tv thinking OMG I’m just going to have to it that broccoli!

Where as put me on a diet and I can here every bar of chocolate in a 100 mile radius doing a tap dance chanting “you know you’re eat me any way” “come on one peice won’t hurt”

ONE PEICE why the hell would I have one peice there’s a whole bar to eat!

But why don’t I think that about broccoli? There’s not just one peice to eat I could have the whole thing lol

This week I have done nothing but pick after being ill just after weigh day I told myself I don’t care I’m ill

The picking started off ok as I had fruit cos in my head I’d feel better then

However this progressed to chocolate and shit cos I felt shit

How that’s meant to work I don’t know as I don’t think 2 shits make a well person lol

And yeah at the time I thought I don’t care then the next day all I think is why the fuck did I do that, ah well might as well fuck the week up………..

Life at 23 stone sucks

So life can suck at the best of times but when you let yourself get to 23 stone it really can be shit!

My advice never ever let yourself see that number on the scales!

But why is it shit?

• When you go to the loo your ass hangs over on to the sanny bin 😷
• When out in a pub or restaurant you have to plan you route from one side to the other cos you can’t fit through the gaps your friends can
• Some chairs with arms are just to small and my ass will get stuck in there
• Some chairs will just brake if i sit on them (yes I once had a pick nick table brake and turn in to flat pack when I got up from I and yes there was lots of people as it was at an event)
• When it’s hot if you so much as move your sweating your ass off
• Plane sets, fuck me they are small ✈️ and if it goes down I’ll be going with it
• No I can’t get on that ride not only will it not do up but my ass won’t even if in it!
• Clothes don’t get me started, if they fit me they probably look shit if I’m wearing it its cos it’s the least shit looking I could find
• The comment you get when people say “you have a pretty face” meaning I don’t know what else to say or fit you lost weight you would look good
• I maybe fat but yes I do still have to eat! So really stop staring at me as if I should starve myself!
• Just because I’m fat does not mean I’m lazy
• If losing weight was that easy for me I would have done it by now
• The thought of having a baby at this weight scares the shit out of me
• The thought of losing all the weight I need to and being left with loads of saggy skin does not feel me with joy
• Sex well here a subject in itself but yes I can and do have sex and the fact the thought of it to you is gross I don’t care stop thinking about me having sex then
• Sex I enjoy it, I love it and yes I have quite a lot of it but yes there are a lot of things I would like to be able to do/try in the bedroom that I can’t cos of my size
• No I don’t go in the bath how the fuck would I get back out!
• Oh and we have the people in the street that think it’s ok to stare, point, sinigger, and then just shout names out, I have feelings to and sometimes it hurts!
• My joints hurt, and I get tired easy but I am carrying the equivalent of another person on my back
• Snoring is a million time worse at this weight

So there is just a few things, believe me there are many others so I have chosen to start doing something about it.

I what to get a life and live it!

So I’m in my 30’s I think it’s time to sort things out.

I have been over weight all my adult like and most of my childhood so

I don’t want to lose anymore of my life due to my weight or worse lose my life cos of my weight

The diet I’m choosing to use is the

Cambridge weight plan

I am going to start my journey not to lose weight and I won’t be looking for it once it is gone but to find me, a healthier me not just weight wise but all round

I guess I want to sort of be reborn as the person I really am not the one I pretend to be

So I invite you to join me on my way as I take on the biggest and best challenge and do like the Phoenix and fly from the ashes!

Please comment alone the way I wanna here all views good and bad!

So I start today at 23.02st so here to the setting on my old life and the rising of the start of a new one!